Return of the Alpha Male.

So, a few weeks ago, a friend sent me a test of sorts. It was a litany of male centric tasks which is designed to separate the men from the boys (and the girls to be sure). While I don't pretend that I could or have accomplished all of the tasks, I did fairly well. The tasks ranged from mechanical, like change your oil, to the home ec tasks we all blew off, like sew a button to a pair of pant, to sports, like throw a spiral (which due to two bad shoulders and poor hand eye coordination, i cannot do, nor will I ever be able to.)

This past weekend, however, I was able to come closer to achieving woodsy greatness. We went to the mountains of North Carolina to show my son a train which resembled the Polar Express (if you don't have kids, you will need to borrow some to understand - it is the story of a train which evidently steals children from their homes, takes them to tha fat man's house, gives them trinkets, and then returns the kids without doing any real long term mental damage. Probably.) We rented a cabin in the woods atop of a small hill, and at the end of a dirt goat trail. For more on goat trails, you can read my excerpts from my European vacation, but suffices it to say, they are narrow, winding strips of deforested earth, with a combination surface of mud and pebble (mud on the right and pebbles on the left). This makes for a slick surface, and made worse, by the fact we drove my wife's volvo sedan.

During this three day journey, I discovered a little about myself, and my pursuit for the alpha male status. OK, to be fair, I never really considered this a life quest, but I think it just sort of happens. At one point, I found myself taking a small burning ember, and turning into a blaze Les Stroud (see Survivorman) would be proud of. Just because.

I added a few small items to the man test, and passed a few along the way -
Wilderness Driving - So while this was not on the test, men need the ability to traverse obstacles while in a vehicle. I am not suggesting that they need a HMMWV and a straight uphill climb (which I have also done) but that they should be able to get a car (any car with decent tires) up a mud and pebble hill. Even shale trails would be fine.

Home Maintenance The rental home has a bad deadbolt lock. Within 10 minutes, I had disassembled it with a dinner knife, and had diagnosed the problem. While I lacked the requisite tools to repair it, I at least understood what was wrong and could have fixed it with the right tools. (Needlenose pliers and a cold beer)

Cooking a Steak So for the record, the label said "Roast" which is not a steak. However, with enough marinade and spices, and an hour on the grill, a roast can closely resemble a steak, and feed 7 people.

Home Decor Repair Give three kids a cabin in the woods and something will break. Within 2 hours, the kids had torn the buttons off of a pillow, and tried to hide the damage. Using a travel sewing kit and several punctures to the fingertips later, I was able to reattach the buttons and make it look like new. While the thread is a little fragile, our deposit is intact.

Building a Fire Our traveling companions, another family, thought it would be a great idea to make smores. I mean, we were in the woods, and that's what suburbanites do. So the man takes his daughter out to the firepit and they spend a few hours watching the wet wood smother the flames. More matches, more wet wood, more smoke, more nothing. And so it goes. They drive to the store to buy firewood, which is typical and sold large chunks. Until they finally surrender. Little secret - Wet kindling, and big logs will never catch fire. . .unless. . . Literally two hours later, the fire catches something. Something in the fire blazes up and the wife sees this. We pack all the smores stuff outside, to watch as the fire dies again. And now, this has become my challenge. Because I love smores. Mushy golden brown marshmallows, melty chocolate and graham crackers kick ass.

So I hunker down over the fire and start trying. I find the wet wood in the pit and pull it out. I blow on the few embers and cover them in leaves, getting some flame back. I walk into the darker woods and find any fallen branches propped off of the wet earth, and I go back to build the same teepee style fire that's worked since Sacajawea. And ten minutes later, and lots of blowing, the flames abound and I am knee deep in carmelized sugar, and cocoa goodness.

Fatherly bonding At 60 bucks for the adult seats, 40 bucks for the kid's seat, it was not a cheap train ride. I have gone round trip from Philadelphia to New York City for less. However, watching my son, when he saw Santa was worth the 9 hours of driving and the price of admission. Watching him see the train cars torn from the pages of the book and pulled from the screens of the movie, my boy was in the true meaning of Christmas. I don't mean the religious aspect. He was in the spirit of dreams and beliefs. He was deep in the childhood innocence that we lose as we age. He is fully engulfed in the world's most incredible and long standing hoax that we as parents indulge in, for 30 days a year to take ourselves back to our childhood.

So, now that I am achieving the alpha male status in my own domain, I am enjoying watching over my cub, and hoping that he enjoys every aspect of his youth, and takes his time in taking this status from his father who took so damn long to get there.