I originally posted this to Craigslist in Rants and Raves, and didn't want to lose this nugget.
To the middle seat airline passenger from Canada who shared a 3 hour and 30 minute ride from Seattle to Houston as I made my way to Philadelphia. I want to thank you. You made my trip notable, even though it was miserable. I can't wait to get back to my new home town Raleigh
First, when you sat down and started chatting, I understand. We’re going to share a few hours together. You regaled me of international Latin American travels. Stories of great living in Canada and discussed US politics. Not horrible. When you started describing your work and told me of the 30-40 million dollar properties your clients buy through you, my bullshit flags triggered off, and I began to zone out. You sell to the Canadian elite, and you are here in coach with me. Nice play, Trump.
However, when we passed 10,000 feet and you opened your laptop, to show me your modern day equivalent of family trip slide shows (without your family within), I pretty much realized I would not be sleeping. As you browsed through which image collections in your 10 year old bootleg copy of Photoshop Elements, I worried the show would never begin, and therefore never, ever end. But then you opened the “People” folder, and I was greeted with images of a nude, overweight woman perhaps in her 50’s or 60’s at which point my own manhood leapt up in to my abdomen. Her bloated belly, floppy tits and beaten posture were enough to make me want to start an investment portfolio designed to keep my wife in plastic surgery for the next 30 years. When I finally see my wife on Sunday, rest assured sex won’t come into play thanks to those horrid images of what gravity does to the body. I suspect the next time I see an erection we will have either an African American or woman president. I know, your photography makes you an “artist”. And my sense of decorum and personal space makes me a human with decorum and personal space. You should focus on these latter traits and let people with talent be artists. I just pray that isn’t your wife, or I will never erase this disturbing piece of my personal history from my memory.
But the second strike was when you played an audio track of some tribal music as you showed me your third rate imagery on a legacy laptop which was built sometime around the time the B-52s were popular, and microprocessors could do amazing things like add integers. The music sounded great over the deafening roar of turbine engines and babies crying. Yes, you told me about the amazing photo gear you have in your cool carry-on bag. And just like my amazing golf clubs don’t make me a decent golfer, clearly your equipment has outclassed you. The difference is that I don't make people watch me suck at golf. Great random pictures of seaside towns in Latin America. Got it. I am sitting next to Magellan. You discover people of color that no one has seen before. Oh wait, that kid in the photo is wearing a Phillies jersey. Some f*&$ing discovery, Ponce DeLeon. It was great when the lesbian couple turned around, with that annoyed look that you deftly ignored. When I asked you to turn down the music, to help assuage their pain, you simply pretended not to hear. It wasn’t until I told you I needed some rest that the show ended and the next phase of my indoctrination into hell began.
But then swing number three and you tip the ball, so I don’t want to kill you yet (out of sheer bewilderment. Like a car accident I am prevented from looking away). You try to describe to me what is happening in the photos. But surprise, I am not pretending not to hear you. The god damned engines we sit above drown you out, so while you attempt to describe the scenery and how you took these Ansel Adams-like masterpieces, your non-audible drone simply added to the din, and now, all I want to do is turn on my Zune and ignore you. Christ, why didn’t the skinny, hot co-ed get the damned E seat and stuck you against the window. Karma sucks. I never killed an innocent, never kicked a kitty and all of my impure thoughts remain in my head, so why do I get punished. I am not saying anything would happen. Quite the opposite – Like all 20 something hotties, they simply don’t talk to me – or touch me – and I would get the needed sleep. Everyone wins. At least me.
But my favorite part comes after you doze off into the slumber which now escapes me. Flying Continental Airlines the seats are already small, like some form of torture designed to create body odor and uncomfortable situations. But somehow you were able to infringe into my personal space so far (as well as to the pretty college girl sitting in the window seat) Your elbow rested comfortably on my love handles and allowed you to sleep deeply, while my disdain for the touch of total strangers kept me from sleeping, let alone sitting with any reasonable comfort. Sure, I understand you are in the middle seat, and therefore, I will give you the arm rest. That's fair. However, jerkoff, it is for your elbow, and not your wrist. Take your elbow and shove it.
So instead of sleeping, I am writing this pseudo-personal fuck you to the internet for all to read. However, I will say you aren’t entirely to blame. The woman in front of me is easily six foot six and 250. Her tryout with the Dallas Cowboys is tomorrow, and she clearly needs her sleep. Every time she does her grizzly bear stretch, she crushes my laptop closed on my fingers. It is amazing, because I can hear the frame of the chair bend with every yawn. Her pitiful chair creaks like an aluminum garden chair from my aunt's 1970's collection of cheap, crappy chairs. (the kind that gave you tetanus.)
I really miss Southwest airlines.
Sleepless flying from Seattle.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Monday, October 6, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
And now a word from our socialist sponsors. . .
So, over the past several years, I have watched as I pay more in taxes, and get less of a return on my investment. I pay things like the Alternative Minimum Tax, and yet I haven’t taken a vacation in four years. My student loan debt far outweighs (like 100-fold) the amount I can save at any one time. Now, I am not seeking sympathy, but I am setting the stage for the root of my frustration and the subject of my entry this week. So now, learned reader, I invite you to hate me for my “wealth” as I am about to rant on the non-working members of our society who are not of my elite, wealthy means.
I noted socialism in my subject for a reason – for those who won’t get the connection as you read. My frustration is at the lack of working among many in our society. From those sit at home milking unemployment, to people who claim they need welfare as a way to sustain their family – this is targeted to you. Get to work.
However, I understand some of the challenges you might face, so I am here to eliminate road blocks and help you on your way. My plan is simple – it only has a few moving parts, but I will type slowly so that the dimwitted can keep up – government administrators.
First, if you are on any public service, there is an immediate test, effective the day you apply for the services. We test aptitude and skills (physical and mental). The bottom line is that everyone can do something. When I served in the army, much of my personal gear was put together by something called the [Something] Lighthouse for the Blind. If a blind man or woman can sew a canteen holder together, an able bodied person can do something as well. This test will identify a temporary career field for you, from child care to bed-pan cleaner. You should be motivated to score well on this test, because if you don’t, you get the jobs routinely seen on Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs. You can catch it on Discovery, I think, and you won’t ever want to score low after one episode.
This first step (testing and evaluation) is critical, as it removes the road blocks. If a parent can’t work because they can’t find affordable child care, then guess what – The state will provide it with other parents who scored fairly high in these skill areas. We can likely staff all aspects of the day care with people who are currently on public programs. Wait, you claim the care is substandard? No problem – Work harder to find a better job, and pull yourself out. Otherwise, state day care is what you get. (However, with the right safeguards, State child care will be on par with many private programs very quickly.) Road block removed.
Second step – Enable the search for jobs. So we have a tested workforce, who we train for all of the work that no one else wants to do. Apply these test results against the larger employment opportunity set and start scheduling interviews – In five hours a week – and we will even pay you for your time. For example, take Bill. Bill is on welfare. I don’t know why, he just is. He takes the test and he is qualified for quite a bit. High school diploma, no criminal record, can lift heavy stuff, and wants to go to college. He has two boys who the state will care for during his shift at the hospital. We put him to work at the hospital re-stocking supplies for the ER. He works for 35 hours a week, paid by the Federal Government (and not hospital coffers) as a contribution to the hospital and the hopes of reducing health care. Bill has 5 hours during the course of the week, where he has to find a job – but we will help him here. We search the database and find that Bill is well suited for a position at the prison as a guard, a full time job at the hospital managing inventory or something else. Bill interviews and does well on all three interviews. He has to take one. But let’s assume that Bill is socially inept – it could happen. Bill fails all three interviews. Each interviewer has to provide Bill feedback and the US Government can help with career training. Why? Because Bill is providing a service to his nation by working for the hospital instead of just living on the dole.
So, we train Bill and in four months he gets tired of looking for new work. Sorry Bill, you have six months. Six months, or we down grade you. Down grading is horrible, because the lower tier of jobs – those reserved for our lowest scorers – are really low. Scooping muck from police department horse stables. Or cleaning out sewer drains. Or cleaning public toilets – which really need cleaning. This program is really an Out or Down program, meaning get off of the services b y finding an opportunity or get pushed down the ladder so someone else can have clean clothes at the end of the day.
Third – Monthly drug testing. Pretty simple step – Certified drug testing, for all people collecting public dollars. Smoke weed once? Warning. Second offense? Off the program entirely for a year. Best of luck, but we don’t need to pay people who break the law. Prisoners don’t get paid well, why should you? However, I will throw an exception – If you announce up front that you are an addict – We send you to 30 days of treatment plus an extra 5 hours per week for NA/AA meetings. And then you work. By the way, if you fall off the wagon with this sort of help, then you are out of luck. And off the program.
Fourth – Enforcement. This is fairly simple, and can be a real cost savings. Many of the companies who can benefit from this program by getting free or low cost labor will be motivated to help us enforce this. They get free labor and all they have to do is attest that Bill is showing up for work. And be subject to inspections. In addition, we track it mostly digitally. For example, another person, let’s call him Dave, goes on unemployment for the first six months. Fine, so he gets a short-term state-sponsored vacation. At the end of six months, when he reapplies for benefits for another 12, he joins the program. If you couldn’t find a job in six months of trying, then maybe you need an incentive, and mucking sludge can help you find that desire.
So, where Mr. Wealthy elitist do you find the money to pay for this, people might ask me. I don’t know but I have a hunch. My hunch tells me that if you take people off of welfare faster, you reduce costs. If you make welfare less attractive, then you reduce costs. If you make unemployment a short term help instead of a long-term vacation, then you reduce costs. And if you enforce this overall, costs drop as well.
I write this inspired by a friend from Bulgaria. He and I were talking (at work, no less) and he was laughing because a guy I let go was going to be able to collect unemployment. I didn’t understand his laughter, and so I dug deeper. His simple reply was – “I will never be unemployed”. I knew exactly what he meant. If it came to it, he would be at McDonalds earning $8.00 an hour before he would ask the government for help. His pride was too strong to accept handouts so long as he was able-bodied.
But wait learned author – What about those who are disabled – Again, I go back to the test. I know there are people who simply are so physically and mentally crippled that they cannot go to work. However, my baseline for who can and cannot go back to work is set fairly high. There are soldiers returning from Iraq, missing a leg – who return to command six months later. There are elderly people with deep arthritis but a deeper work ethic who sew flags for their sons and daughters. And don’t forget the blind people who made my canteen cover. If you are in crippling pain, then I understand. But the State doctors judge this, not the local quack.
So this is my simple plan – Inspired by many of the Philadelphia Project’s residents who own Lexus and BMWs and have big screen TVs visible through their cracked windows. Enough is enough – it is time for change and it starts with America getting back to work – Whatever that job is to make this country great. While I have never been truly poor, I have never been afraid of hard work. I earned my “status” in the wealthy class, so I only ask of those what I expect from myself. No excuses and hard work. . .
I noted socialism in my subject for a reason – for those who won’t get the connection as you read. My frustration is at the lack of working among many in our society. From those sit at home milking unemployment, to people who claim they need welfare as a way to sustain their family – this is targeted to you. Get to work.
However, I understand some of the challenges you might face, so I am here to eliminate road blocks and help you on your way. My plan is simple – it only has a few moving parts, but I will type slowly so that the dimwitted can keep up – government administrators.
First, if you are on any public service, there is an immediate test, effective the day you apply for the services. We test aptitude and skills (physical and mental). The bottom line is that everyone can do something. When I served in the army, much of my personal gear was put together by something called the [Something] Lighthouse for the Blind. If a blind man or woman can sew a canteen holder together, an able bodied person can do something as well. This test will identify a temporary career field for you, from child care to bed-pan cleaner. You should be motivated to score well on this test, because if you don’t, you get the jobs routinely seen on Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs. You can catch it on Discovery, I think, and you won’t ever want to score low after one episode.
This first step (testing and evaluation) is critical, as it removes the road blocks. If a parent can’t work because they can’t find affordable child care, then guess what – The state will provide it with other parents who scored fairly high in these skill areas. We can likely staff all aspects of the day care with people who are currently on public programs. Wait, you claim the care is substandard? No problem – Work harder to find a better job, and pull yourself out. Otherwise, state day care is what you get. (However, with the right safeguards, State child care will be on par with many private programs very quickly.) Road block removed.
Second step – Enable the search for jobs. So we have a tested workforce, who we train for all of the work that no one else wants to do. Apply these test results against the larger employment opportunity set and start scheduling interviews – In five hours a week – and we will even pay you for your time. For example, take Bill. Bill is on welfare. I don’t know why, he just is. He takes the test and he is qualified for quite a bit. High school diploma, no criminal record, can lift heavy stuff, and wants to go to college. He has two boys who the state will care for during his shift at the hospital. We put him to work at the hospital re-stocking supplies for the ER. He works for 35 hours a week, paid by the Federal Government (and not hospital coffers) as a contribution to the hospital and the hopes of reducing health care. Bill has 5 hours during the course of the week, where he has to find a job – but we will help him here. We search the database and find that Bill is well suited for a position at the prison as a guard, a full time job at the hospital managing inventory or something else. Bill interviews and does well on all three interviews. He has to take one. But let’s assume that Bill is socially inept – it could happen. Bill fails all three interviews. Each interviewer has to provide Bill feedback and the US Government can help with career training. Why? Because Bill is providing a service to his nation by working for the hospital instead of just living on the dole.
So, we train Bill and in four months he gets tired of looking for new work. Sorry Bill, you have six months. Six months, or we down grade you. Down grading is horrible, because the lower tier of jobs – those reserved for our lowest scorers – are really low. Scooping muck from police department horse stables. Or cleaning out sewer drains. Or cleaning public toilets – which really need cleaning. This program is really an Out or Down program, meaning get off of the services b y finding an opportunity or get pushed down the ladder so someone else can have clean clothes at the end of the day.
Third – Monthly drug testing. Pretty simple step – Certified drug testing, for all people collecting public dollars. Smoke weed once? Warning. Second offense? Off the program entirely for a year. Best of luck, but we don’t need to pay people who break the law. Prisoners don’t get paid well, why should you? However, I will throw an exception – If you announce up front that you are an addict – We send you to 30 days of treatment plus an extra 5 hours per week for NA/AA meetings. And then you work. By the way, if you fall off the wagon with this sort of help, then you are out of luck. And off the program.
Fourth – Enforcement. This is fairly simple, and can be a real cost savings. Many of the companies who can benefit from this program by getting free or low cost labor will be motivated to help us enforce this. They get free labor and all they have to do is attest that Bill is showing up for work. And be subject to inspections. In addition, we track it mostly digitally. For example, another person, let’s call him Dave, goes on unemployment for the first six months. Fine, so he gets a short-term state-sponsored vacation. At the end of six months, when he reapplies for benefits for another 12, he joins the program. If you couldn’t find a job in six months of trying, then maybe you need an incentive, and mucking sludge can help you find that desire.
So, where Mr. Wealthy elitist do you find the money to pay for this, people might ask me. I don’t know but I have a hunch. My hunch tells me that if you take people off of welfare faster, you reduce costs. If you make welfare less attractive, then you reduce costs. If you make unemployment a short term help instead of a long-term vacation, then you reduce costs. And if you enforce this overall, costs drop as well.
I write this inspired by a friend from Bulgaria. He and I were talking (at work, no less) and he was laughing because a guy I let go was going to be able to collect unemployment. I didn’t understand his laughter, and so I dug deeper. His simple reply was – “I will never be unemployed”. I knew exactly what he meant. If it came to it, he would be at McDonalds earning $8.00 an hour before he would ask the government for help. His pride was too strong to accept handouts so long as he was able-bodied.
But wait learned author – What about those who are disabled – Again, I go back to the test. I know there are people who simply are so physically and mentally crippled that they cannot go to work. However, my baseline for who can and cannot go back to work is set fairly high. There are soldiers returning from Iraq, missing a leg – who return to command six months later. There are elderly people with deep arthritis but a deeper work ethic who sew flags for their sons and daughters. And don’t forget the blind people who made my canteen cover. If you are in crippling pain, then I understand. But the State doctors judge this, not the local quack.
So this is my simple plan – Inspired by many of the Philadelphia Project’s residents who own Lexus and BMWs and have big screen TVs visible through their cracked windows. Enough is enough – it is time for change and it starts with America getting back to work – Whatever that job is to make this country great. While I have never been truly poor, I have never been afraid of hard work. I earned my “status” in the wealthy class, so I only ask of those what I expect from myself. No excuses and hard work. . .
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